did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
there was a trapeze. enough said
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
