JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
