I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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