Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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