I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
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