Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
