wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
