Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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