I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
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