God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
