Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
