whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Randomize
