The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
