Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
