the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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