I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
If I die, sorry about rent.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
