I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
