My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Green mimosas i think yes
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
We need to get me chipped asap
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
