I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
How does one acquire holy water?
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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