Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
