DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
