Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
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Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
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