His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Randomize
