my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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