I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo