i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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