if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
