Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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