so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
