Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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