is your mom at the bar?
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
