OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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