I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
