i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
