No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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