you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
