i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
