Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
