in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
