i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
