Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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