I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
