omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize