u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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