I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
