I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
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