I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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