dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
