Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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