why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
