I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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