So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
