Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
