Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
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This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
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So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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