Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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