Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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