After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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