Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
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