Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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