When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
you win again, gameday.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
