I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Sorry about my life...
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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